you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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