my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
