he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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