Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
