White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
