I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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