just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
