I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I need a burrito and a hug.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
