That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
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You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
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I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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