Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
