I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
