I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You pole danced in your parka.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
