Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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