I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
