is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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