Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
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The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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