I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
