Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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