So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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