I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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