In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
