Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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