I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
