Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
