Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
