my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
