So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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