hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
