Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
