we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
