You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
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A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
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Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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