Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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