I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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