my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
