DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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