Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
