Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize