God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
