Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
