She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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