I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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