she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
