take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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