so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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