i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
