My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
