were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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