This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
