1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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