12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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