wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
