If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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