Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
