three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
