Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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