i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
