he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
